Early Pregnancy Letter–Hilarious

This letter is one that I will be sending to my newly pregnant friends from now on. My husband’s cousin Zeina sent it to me when I was about 12 weeks or so when she was soon to have her baby boy Mejd.

I love Zeina because she is so honest and totally funny–I laughed out loud but I was also helped by her insights. So now I am sharing excerpts of it with you!

“I am so happy and excited for you! It hasn’t been long since I found out that I was pregnant and I remember how elated (and shocked) I was when that blue line showed up! So when you guys told us that you were expecting, I decided to write you a note with some insight-ehem…so here it goes:
– You are going to get advice from everyone from the lifeguard at your pool whose friend’s friend had a baby a few years ago to your veterinarian who will compare your pregnancy cycle with that of a cat-advice is great but NO ONE knows your body more than you and NO ONE will be able to completely relate to what you’re going through because not only each pregnancy is different but each body is different. SO if they tell you that eating 10 crackers while standing on your head and rubbing your tummy will help with the nausea and it doesn’t, it’s OKAY! Nothing worked for me expec t mint gum (and I discovered that one on my own)! The important thing is to listen to your body–my body kept telling me to eat!! Go figure!

– When I first found out I was pregnant, I refused to take a dump because I thought if I pushed, the baby might come flying out! Needless to say I was constipated and in pain for a few days until I got the courage to take that leap and finally released my “inner demons”! Baby Mejd held on tight! Lesson learned: bowel movements are our friends.

– I became a witch during the first trimester…it’s ok if you freak out for no reason…I honestly felt bad for Ramzi because I turned into this bitchy monster! It didn’t last long though especially once the nausea was gone. Note: Ramzi may disagree with that last comment but I won’t harp on that as “I AM CARRYING HIS BABY DAMN IT!”

– The 2nd trimester is the easiest of the 3.

– If you ever wanted a bigger butt and full boobies, you’ll definitely get them! That, in my opinion, suggests that God is a man! You go through hell and the husbands get a couple of extra perks…in the book “The Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy” the author says that her husband calls pregnancy the “titty fairy”.

– Your 2 best friends during this pregnancy…are: 2 extra pillows–one will go between your knees stretching up to under your belly and the other will go to lift your upper body so you can breathe…occasionally! Overnight pads–things will start overflowing and you don’t know what they are or where they’re coming from. Best to be prepared!

– I was so anxious to start showing that I would stand in front of the mirror and just stare at my belly hoping to see a significant change every time. Here’s the thing: my belly popped out seemingly overnight. During my 2nd trimester, I was just putting on the pounds and getting bigger and bigger all over yet there was no sign of a protruding belly! Was I pregnant or simply a pig? Then one morning I woke up and looked in the mirror–there it was–A bulge the size of a cantaloupe! (and it wasn’t gas, for a change!)

– Nesting–one of my favorite words of pregnancy! At some point during your pregnancy, you will feel the sudden and uncontrollable urge to: set up the baby’s room, clean the house, dust every book, clean the cats ears with Q-tips, cut Faris’ toe nails, dye your neighbor’s hair, vacuum the ceiling…etc.

– The bigger you get the more you start speculating that our ancestors were actually ducks and not apes. You lose your walking skills and you suddenly develop a beautiful waddle.

– Maternity clothes. Expensive, horrible material, trash bag style, uncomfortable pieces of cloth that were developed as a conspiracy to prey on pregnant women! Whoever invented the high heel, the stockings and the bra definitely invented maternity clothes. The only time I found maternity clothes helpful was in the 8th and 9th months as my regular shirts no longer stretched to cover the whole belly and I looked like Kill Roy was peeking from my pants!

– At one point when I was a child, I visited my aunt’s house and saw a thing of Preparation H next to the toilet. I did not know what it was for until recently. Things did not start developing until I became big enough to be visible from the moon. The cycle of pregnancy revolves around (excuse the french) shit for me apparently, literally; I refused to poop at the beginning for fear of dropping the baby, and now I am afraid to poop for fear of lighting my ass on fire! Needless to say, I’m back to the constipated cycle. Lesson learned: hemorrhoids hurt like hell. They are not our friends.

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4 thoughts on “Early Pregnancy Letter–Hilarious

  1. what a great letter!what i didn’t know until after baby #1…you really have to just pretend you’re taking a huge poop and shit the kid out.seriously, this will make labor faster and the kid will fly outta the womb!

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