a conversation with a friend got me thinking about my pregnancy.
when I was pregnant, more than a few people told me that babies are better left inside the womb because at least there they are safe. give birth to your baby and your “heart is walking around outside your body” they said.
I know exactly what they mean now.
I lay down to nurse S to sleep, and my mind wanders after a bit. I start by looking at the baby proofing still to be done and I make a check list of to dos. I end by imagining the teenage S doing things that could hurt him, and my heart wants to go ahead and break right now. a preemptive breaking to avoid the pain that might be (yes, I know it will be) coming. how do I know it will be coming? because I know the things I have been through and done, and I am sure I broke my parents’ hearts lots of times. and even if he never did anything of the sort he will still be growing up and leaving one day.
my friend Steph said it best when she said, “your whole goal with a kid is to get them to live without you.”
no one really wants their baby to be a baby forever. that is a gross thought, a selfish thought. But I want to savor every moment. memorize the silhouette of his little body pulling to stand at the windows. memorize the look of intense concentration as he turns the pages of his board books. memorize memorize memorize. memorize the way he looks at me when he is tired and needs to nurse. or when he thinks he is being hilarious. when he thinks no one is watching and its just him and his toys and his little serious face figuring out what happens when you do this.
I do savor this time with him. I think I do a good job of that so far. there are lots of times in my past that I regret not seeing the beauty and singularity of a moment. but not this time. I learned that lesson just in time for becoming a mom. *whew*
in the last 2 days S has been pulling to stand with a lot of confidence and cruising along window sills, tables, anything that he can reach. he is also trying to let go and walk on his own. And we thought we had a little game that would help him achieve his goal, but you know what they say about the best laid plans. the game is this: Faris and I face each other and S stands, holding one parent’s hands. the other parent calls to him and reaches so he will be prompted to walk….a game that quickly digresses into him squealing with sheer joy and deliberately falling forward like a little board so that we can catch him…he thinks this is hilarious! It is pretty hilarious. But now when we try it he just scream-laughs and falls forward.
memorize memorize memorize…