if only

(photo by Jenna Vincent)

(photo by Jenna Vincent)

Dear Sufyan,
you will soon be turning 9 months old. I am writing you today in the hope that you will reconsider your intention to grow older at such a fast pace and will instead slow it down to savor your last few months of infancy. These are awesome times. Yes, I know you are acquiring amazing skills that you want to perfect (you are now going from belly to sitting like it’s nothing and you are pulling to stand on everything. oh, and you are CLIMBING everything) and I know that your brain is creating connections and associations at lightening pace (you look around for the kitty when I say her name, you sign for light when we say it, “read” yourself books,

and give kisses when we ask or whenever you see baba and I kiss) but its all happening so fast! Don’t you see where this is headed? One day soon, too soon, you will be telling me what you want for lunch and the next thing I know you’ll be shaving and taking your car for an oil change.

Right now, I can still cuddle you up into a semi-ball and nurse you in the bath, a thing we both love. You are absorbed in the study of pebbles and your bead toys.

I can captivate you with funny faces and make you scream with laughter by biting your armpits. You think it’s hilarious to fake cough. The other day you heard a stranger coughing as he walked passed, and you smiled and coughed at him…which made him turn and laugh and say, “Are you making fun of me?”. Yes, your first baby joke to a stranger and I am so proud. You have also developed this knack for scrunching up your face in the funniest way when you are happy or when something strikes you as funny, Baba and I LOVE this face. Just as cute, though, is this mad/cry face.
(photo by Jenna Vincent)

all better!

I can toss you into the air to delighted squawks. I can make you feel better by just picking you up and stroking your hair. You love to greet the day by standing at your window…naked.

Since you seem bent on growing up, however, let me ask you this: what can I do to help you?
These things I wonder:
Will I know how to make the older Sufyan laugh? Will I know how to make things better for you when you need me? Will I be able to share with you moments where we are both completely, blissfully content?
I know things change. If anyone knows things change, it’s a mother. And a good mother probably just adapts, and loves every new moment. I am a good mom, and I love you with my whole heart, and I want you to grow…but I would be a liar if I didn’t admit that there is a twinge of nostalgic and tender longing whenever we leave behind a phase: a face you used to make, a noise you used to make, something that used to make you laugh but now you look at like “ho-hum” and I am standing there like an idiot with your diaper on my head…

Well. The future looks like fun, too. And since you are growing up, I am determined to enjoy it with you. This, being your mom, remains the best time in my entire life.

ps: there is a huge thunderstorm overhead right now. It’s been raining all day. In fact we took a longish walk in the rain this morning to get breakfast tacos. You LOVED our rainbow colored umbrella! It made you scrunch your face up and laugh. I can’t wait until I can hear what you think about rain, thunder, and the cloudy afternoons that I love so much.


One thought on “if only

  1. I just love baby mad faces – and they are still amusing, but somewhat less adorable at 4, 8, 12, 16… the higher the age goes, the less cute! But the trade off is that your amazing little person begins to wow you with logic – the 4 year old can come up with some pretty convincing reasons for that 2nd cookie, and the 16 year old discussing politics or religion -even though you disagree, it makes you proud! I’m excited for you – all of the amazing discoveries you will make about each other in the coming years – have fun 🙂

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