Thanks to everyone who emailed and commented. It means so much to me to have your support and thoughts. I burned the f-ing magazine and spit on it’s ashes last night. No, I didn’t. But I did see that I need to “have some faith” in the choices we are making as a family. I see that I need to step back and look at Sufyan and how well he is doing (we are all raising some pretty awesome little people). I also see that I need to get some more sleep before galloping into a big decision about how our family sleeps. Sleep, for us, is a big issue.
Contributing factors to my insanity included:
1. exhaustion from the holidays. We were traveling or had company from December 18 through Jan. 5.
2. S had regressed in his sleeping habits due to above reasons and due to 2 new teeth.
3. S and I had a cold or the flu and I was feeling like crap and he was not sleeping.
the common thread is sleep dep. I don’t think as well when I am so drained.
BUT, after making so much noise about missing bed sharing, I tried it 2 nights ago. I climbed into bed with S at about 1:20 when he woke and called out to nurse. Intending to stay until morning, I only stayed until 3:45. Here is what happened:
S nursed 5 times during those 2 hours and 25 minutes. I had to stay on my side because every time I tried to shift to my back he would suck in a big breath and flail an arm.
I drifted in and out of sleep while gritting my teeth–I got a headache. It was just like old times. Hello, Ravyn, did you need more torture to understand that you and S don’t bed share well?
In retrospect, it was pretty hilarious.
So here is what I am working on: compassion. Compassion for myself in that I am doing the best I can in a challenging and joy-filled new role as a mom. Compassion for Sufyan as he learns to adjust his needs to our family’s ability to meet them, and while he has sharp bits of enamel pushing through his tender gums as his body changes from baby to boy. Compassion for Faris as he becomes a father and sounding board for crazy sleep dep woman. Faris, who listened seriously at 3am to my ideas of grabbing S and putting him in bed with us right this minute or immediately buying yet another bed to put in our room for S.
Compassion because we are all doing the best we can with the human condition.
Thank you, my friends, for giving me perspective and support.