hmmmm

well, something is happening. sufyan is weaning? i think this must be what it looks like when a baby weans himself. i offer throughout the day, and for over a week he has said no every time.
but we still have the nursing to sleep? not really. 2 weeks ago i confirmed that he has been less active and nursing for less time at night to sleep. then a week ago faris and i began a new sleep routine designed (by us) to ease sufyan into going to sleep without nursing. ease. not suddenly…but like in time for next baby’s arrival. so i was nursing him and when he unlatched i was saying “goodnight, baby boy. i love you. see you in the morning. baba will help you get to sleep now,” and faris would take over singing and patting him until he slept. to which s responded really quickly and tonight he just went to sleep without me ever even nursing him or getting to say goodnight!
be careful what you wish for, i guess. but i have treasured our nursing relationship. i welcome it, i love nursing him and the bond that instantly becomes apparent when i nurse him.
that’s the beauty of nursing: even if you and your baby have been having a day of miscommunications and opposing viewpionts, it all goes away when you nurse. instantly you are the same deeply connected unit you were when you first fell in love.
so i am feeling sad tonight. and i feel guilty. like my desire to get him to learn to sleep a bit better on his own has forced him to wean. i certainly didn’t intend that. i have come to consider sleeping and learning to sleep to be life skills we all need (i feel especially qualified in saying this given our extreme sleep deprivation of past months) and i intended to help him gently learn about this. but SHEESH! in classic sufyan style, he gets it immediately and is on to the next phase.
my heart is actually aching a bit tonight.
it’s one of those moments that i wonder if i am really strong enough to be a parent. it’s so bittersweet, watching him grow up.

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One thought on “hmmmm

  1. Hello Love, I cried the week Elliot weaned. It was sooooooo difficult for ME! The babies handle it with much more ease. I literally felt depressed for that week. I still have times when it makes me sad–but much less now. You have done, and are doing the best for him. AMAZING really. I think the hardest part for me was remaining consistent in not nursing him after I made the decision that I needed to wean. I didn't want to confuse him or my body. Anyhow, bravo to you and here's to your triumphs and hopefully some much needed rest…I mean, you are building a human right now :).

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