The good kind of crisis.
taking me from the daily activity of loving and rearing my Sufyan to the dawning reality that soon Laila will be here.
Laying on my bed tonight, on my side, she is kicking me hard enough to tickle me. I am reading notes from my birth class, and I start to cry. She is working hard toward being big and strong enough for birth. She is so low in my uterus, perhaps loving the feeling of being held close on all sides. Anyway, she is very present and so am I.
I am exhausted from the day. I have been nauseous again and dizzy and tired. I need space to recover myself and finish the night with my husband and son.
Laila, filling the space I create both in my mind and in my body. I am picturing her.
In about 3 months I will see her eyes, count precious little fingers and toes, hear that shaking first cry, and bring her tiny newborn mouth up to nurse. She will be here, she will be everywhere, and we will be a family of four. My eyes are full of tears, pent up from the days and months when I couldn’t imagine her like this. But now the hesitancy is gone and my commitment is firm: this child is coming and I am her mother. It is as momentous as Sufyan’s arrival and it will be as life changing.
Sitting at the dinner table with my husband and my son I am overwhelmed by the bigness of her presence and all that is about to happen. I am suddenly crying (again!) real tears into my dinner napkin. My son, sweet boy that he is, offers me his spiral pasta with a look of total calm and sincerity.
All this and, also, Sufyan will be 20 months tomorrow.
ps: Dear God, Please let Laila be a good sleeper.