thank you so much for commenting, giving me permission to vent, and offering your support. it helps so much.
Sufyan is doing beautifully by the way. He generally accepts Laila, and tells me if her eyes are open (“Laila ‘ohben’ mama”) and if she poops (“Laila ‘boopah’ mama”). we have had to teach him some crying coping skills as well. we have him cover his ears and “shhh” her saying, “hebek Laila” (“I love you, Laila” in Arabic). He hugged her suddenly the other day and because I wasn’t expecting it he bumped her head and made her cry. which was so sweet and comical. he finally works up the courage to hug her and she screams at him. c’est la vie.
the mommy mantra book:
well, having a challenging baby (and what baby isn’t in some way challenging?) has made me an acute observer of things that work for us and things that don’t. some observations:
“shhhhhh” sound loudly in her ear a la happiest baby on the block: has occasionally worked for her, but doesn’t work for me. what it does to me is make me super angry. it’s like I’m already stressed out while she screams and now I’m “shhhh-ing” like a crazy person. the sound provokes me! isn’t that strange? so I’m ditching it.
total positivity/people really want to hear Laila is getting better: I undrestand this. it’s hard to know what to say when I say things are really hard here. I’m sure there is the impulse to try to make me feel positive about things, too. And probably also there is the urge to protect Laila from negativity. I appreciate all those things, so let me say that Laila is so loved, protected, wanted, supported. And she is thriving, beautiful, sweet, and sensitive. she is being carried all the time, kissed and touched and hugged endlessly. she shares sleep with us in our bed. we love her entirely. and yes, things still are hard. she has good days that give us hope and bad ones that make me cry and want to pull my hair out. I don’t know if her meds are working, I just know we are taking it one day at a time and sometimes I have good news and sometimes I will just want to glower about it all.
and actually today she’s doing great! she’s been smiley and not crying a lot.
here are some recent photos of her…