sweet baby laila

it’s nearly 1am. baby girl, i’m so sorry you’re in pain from your first 2 teeth coming in. and i’m sorry that you have had so much pain in your short life. through it all you have been the most joyous, bubbly, funny little person. i am awed by your ability to get through what is obviously incredibly painful for you.
you have just fallen asleep on my chest in our baby carrier. I’m so tired, but i don’t want to put you down. your breath on my chest, the weight of your head, your soft chubby arms tucked into my belly are all so tender and, my second child, i now know this truth, so temporary. i cannot get enough of these moments. we have really had too few of them. with the reflux making your waking moments uncomfortable and now teething making your sleeping moments uncomfortable, you’re pretty much always in some kind of battle with your body. which has made you strong but very squirmy as if you are always trying to escape your pain. i just want to hold this sleeping, tender you and tell you in your pixie-like ears how much i love you. how glad i am you are here. how i cannot imagine my life before you, or without you. you are an absolute treasure and i swear i will hold you close and dear and gently in every way i can.
baby girl, i don’t deserve your sweetness. i have not managed to be the most patient mother at every screaming moment. i have tried, but whether by exhaustion or by fatigue or familiarity i haven’t managed to never fail you (which was my goal and only what you deserve. i reset that goal again tonight because if you can forgive my clumsy humanity then i will keep trying).
still your big blue eyes are just full of love and light.
you laugh when i pretend i’m going to eat you up, you laugh when i pretend i can’t find you while i hold you right in front of me, you laugh when i kiss your neck and arms and thighs. my favorite thing is when we wake up together in the morning and you roll onto your belly and look at me for about 3 seconds before breaking out in the biggest smile you can manage. your cheeks look like they can hardly contain the smile! no matter how sleepless the night, i cannot help but smile back and reach out and pull your round pajama-ed body into my arms. then you spend about 30 minutes rolling happily around our bed, scooting on your belly and cooing to me and about life in general. pushing with your feet, trying to get the hang of moving on your own. soon enough, baby girl, you’ll manage that feat. you are one determined little person.
for now i am going to try to soak you in, as my body just wants to surround you and protect you and love your every curve, noise, laugh, cry, everything. you have to know that no matter what else is going on, your mama loves you with all her heart and so deeply i have no idea where it begins because it just is.
goodnight laila. i hope you can sleep this time. but if you can’t, mama is right here.

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One thought on “sweet baby laila

  1. "i don't deserve your sweetness"I read this line and my full body thought was this:Honestly, NO ONE that I know deserves that sweetness more than Ravyn. YOU DESERVE IT.

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