*sob*

8/14
Laila is back on her medicine. When we took her off her medicine, she dealt with her reflux really well. She kind of just kept truckin’. But as the weeks went by (all 3 of them) she gradually got more and more agitated during the day and stopped sleeping at night. Her agitation expressed itself in constantly twisting her hands and feet, getting really worked up, and seeming to want to move so constantly that we could not tell if she was or not. She was making less eye contact. I got more and more sleep deprived from her literally waking up all night every 30 minutes or less (LESS!) things and things got profoundly overwhelming.
So at the urging of a trusted family guide, we put her back on her medicine at a reduced dosage to see if it helps. Basically, the way I see it is the medicine has to make a real difference in her sleep and overall sense of well-being or she’s going off of it again. Because I know there are side-effects and no good studies to show safety long term in a baby her age.

8/23
motherhood is not for the faint of heart.
i love laila with my whole being. she is a powerful little person, intent on enjoying life and being with us. she wants us to include her so badly, and she has made her place deep within my soul. sometimes i look at her and i realize that she is mine, that this is my daughter and that time is passing us so quickly. then i remember sufyan at this same age. can it be? can this really be my life? i am so lucky. i am so so lucky. they are amazing people, and i have never been so happy.
yes i am sleep deprived as all hell. and yes laila has a cry that makes me want to jump out the window (thank you reflux) but all in all my life is so beautiful right now i hardly think i deserve it. then again, motherhood is not something one deserves. it just is.

this week we say good bye to our very good friends Lucas and Jenna (and Laith of course). I can’t really write about it yet. I can’t believe they are not going to be here anymore. I think after some time I will be able to let them go but right now they are a part of a very special history in my life. my first baby. my first family. my first mom friend. and more than that even. lucas is sufyan’s first friend. we cooked meals for each other’s families. we took care of each others children with real love. we were like family. it’s great for them to go, because they have a good job waiting and Jenna (like me) has never liked the heat here in Austin. I am really sad, in a selfish way. I never stopped to take stock of all that their presence in my life has meant to me until now. until they are leaving.
ah. I will write more later when it doesn’t kill me.
she was there for sufyan’s birth, laila’s birth, both pregnancies, and everything in between. Thank you, Jenna and Lucas for these last 3 very important years. We will always be part of each other’s history.

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One thought on “*sob*

  1. Oh, I'm crying reading this! đŸ˜¦ I'm going to cry every time I think of you guys for quite a while I think. But only because I am so thankful that we were able to experience something so wonderful with your friendship. We were like a mini-commune… sharing everything and being supportive in so many ways. I'm so thankful I had you across the street! I honestly think things would have turned out so differently without you in our lives. Lucas would be a formula-fed baby from 4 months on, I would have had lots of mini breakdowns if not full on PPD with how challenging he was as a baby and how much encouragement I needed, and we would have eaten way too much take-out and frozen Quorn patties without our cooking exchange! It has also been so beautiful to see L and S grow up as psuedo-brothers and it makes me so happy to see them together! I could go on and on but this is just too hard. We'll miss you so much!

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