Laila and the crazy making-toy. we took this pic while we were waiting to see her Cranio-sacral Therapist. This person has actually made a difference in Laila’s overall well-being in the past. I am hopeful that if we return to her for a few visits we will see some help for Laila again. For the past 4 nights she has been waking every 30 minutes all night, crying and plowing head first around our bed looking for me. By 3am my nipples are so sore I cannot nurse her. I get up and express milk and pat it on the nipples to let it dry. By morning I am a bit better, but so exhausted. SO exhausted. What to do.
Sufyan and I picked these glasses out at WF while we shopped. They make me (and apparently everyone) look like a trendy house-fly.
The last time it rained Sufyan and I played in it for about 40 minutes and got SOAKED! It looks like it may rain today, and he said as we were taking our morning walk, “Mama I hope it rains!”. When did he get so big?
Cucumber peels on our foreheads as we make dinner.

sufyan’s sweet face is getting more mature. it’s beauty astonishes me. there is a light and clarity very young persons have that is like nothing else. it’s god in their eyes, in their movements, in their little voices. i love him so much it hurts sometimes. why is it that i am so stricken with nostalgia? is this nostalgia? it’s like i want to pour over every memory and picture of my babies over and over. every moment and word and song and little dance. i love them and there is no way to put it in words.
oh, but i have synesthesia so words are not all i have.
when i see my love for them, the synesthesia allows this picture:
a big universe like black expanse with lights like stars and a billowing purple and red smoke-like thing. it’s so big it expands as i watch it. um, anyway. synesthesia also allows that 8 is green and 4 is orangey-yellow. and sounds have immediate visuals. who needs drugs? this is my life.

is occurs to me that sitting here in the dark of my napping house i should be napping too. but i can’t. somehow my soul is just too full of this kind of big love for my family. i think it’s because we saw our “old home” as sufyan calls it today. we sat on the curb and took this picture.

we said “well hello” (sufyan’s words) and “bye bye” to it. the new occupant still has our wind chimes up, in fact it looks like we could just walk home again if not for the blue volvo in the driveway that is foreign to us.
hmpf. can’t go home again.
the first thing I thought when i saw it was, my babies were both born there. then a flood of memories. nursing at the windows, late nights, sufyan’s first steps on that walkway….
arg.

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