It’s okay I know nothing’s wrong

Homeschooling.  3 kids at home in this tiny space.  3 kids, 2 dogs and a big fat cat.

To all of us who are struggling with things that are too huge to fit into a tiny conversation about “How are you?  Ready for Christmas?”,

To all of us who fit an entire breakdown in the space between dropping off one kid and picking up another,

To all of us who missed the memo that in real life friendships and in real life community would be replaced entirely by FB groups and posts (I didn’t get a vote),

To all of us who thought this would be easier… I see you.

Things are in a perpetual state of falling apart and coming back together.  And there are math lessons, meals to cook, and bedtimes to manage.  Shoes being grown out of, and dishes to do and the perpetual pile of laundry.  The journal I want to keep lies empty.  The books I want to read gather dust.

But I am meditating.  And I am getting up at 5:30 or 6 to do my yoga practice.  And I am getting at least 1 red light session in every day (almost) and I am walking back toward health every single day.   So I know it’s going to be ok.  It’s a long slow path back up to the place I want to be.

If I could be heard I would tell you about Lyme disease.  I would tell it without the politics and the misunderstanding.  I would tell you what it took from me and what it gave me.  I would tell you about dyspraxia and dystonia and retained primitive reflexes and the chem trails of trauma that blasted across the sky of this family.

But that would be a waste of time because honestly everything is going to be ok.

Make it up as we go along

This year has been all about attachment and the weight of things.  Owning things, throwing things out, sorting things out, keeping things, cleaning things, sorting things…

My main teacher likes to provoke with a question that I really enjoy.  He asks, “What is stronger:  your habit or your intention?”

Desire for things has been weighing heavy on my family this year in particular as we lost so many things in this move.  We lost the house we thought we would be staying in “forever” (and the universe said, “HA!”).  We lost about half of our possessions.  We lost our family rhythms, our neighborhood, our school, much of our clothing, our contact with nature (our backyard was huge and wild and now we don’t have one really).  We lost all our Christmas decorations which is not significant unless it’s December and you are a kid so….it’s significant at the moment.  Our kids lost their books, stuffed animals, bedspreads, lots of knick knacks that held meaning for them and the bedrooms that we had promised them would be their dens for the foreseeable.

And that’s just it.  There is no foreseeable.

BUT.  Here we are together.  We have a small (very small) house we are renting.  We have each other.  We have 2 dogs and a cat in this tiny house!   We have a teeny tiny fake tree that barely fits and is laughable.   But life goes on.  We are truly holding each other close through this time and looking forward to the next right thing.

My intention is:  we emerge from this healthy, strongly connected as a family, and connected to our community.

the less we say about it the better

I spent 5 days at a yoga retreat with my main teacher, Gary Kraftsow.  It was radically different from any retreat or training I have ever been to.  It was a personal journey into my own relationship with faith, ultimate reality, and practice.  I allowed it to reach my heart, which has really shaken me up.  Of course when there is something unsettled there is opportunity for growth.

One thing I am amazed to find is that seems I have misunderstood the role of faith in human life.  Being raised agnostic and at the very least skeptical of religion, I missed out on faith.  I don’t mean religion.  I don’t see myself ever being religious.  I mean faith.

Man, is this a game changer.